I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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