4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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