you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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