My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
