Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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