I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize