I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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