hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Dicks are not precious.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
