last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
