is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
