My liver just broke up with me...
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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