If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
