Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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