just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Drunk is a universal language darling
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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