Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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