mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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