don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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