Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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