My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I deserve this hangover.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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