my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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