I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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