My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
