lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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