She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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