Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Can i not drive my cunt home
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
