So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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