i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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