I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
