the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
