I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize