The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize