my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
