remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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