I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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