sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
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