he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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