i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
