Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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