hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
