I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
