this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize