she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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