nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
