she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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