I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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