FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I don't deserve a penis
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
