sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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