And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
