I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
