Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
