I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
