I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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