I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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