I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
