I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
