I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
