I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
