The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
