Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
