Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
