I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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