I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
